like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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