I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize