Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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