I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
