first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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