when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
