The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
