Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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