Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
