One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
