just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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