If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
