im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
