I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize