I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
