I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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