we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
