onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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