cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I love you. Go after that dick
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
