omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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