just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
