I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
