i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
