I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
