I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
