what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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