So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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