Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
