I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
