she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
