plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
