My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
