everyone is single if you try hard enough
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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