did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
