I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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