Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
