Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Girls should come with a carfax report
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
