I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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