Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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