when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
