He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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