I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
