Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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