I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
