I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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