There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
