O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
