So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What a dumb baby whore.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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