Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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