I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Randomize
