even my farts smell like vagina
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
