Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
