Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
