I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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