I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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