You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I deserve this hangover.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
