I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
