I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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