Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
