I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
