last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
