Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
