I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We're hate flirting, damnit.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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